Oprah encourages us to live our best life, people tell us to have boundaries where we put ourselves first, others tell us we have to let our loved ones struggle through their problems yet be there to encourage and support. All of this may feel like we are acting selfish. Sometimes it seems that we need to sacrifice ourselves to help others. No amount of our sickness can make anyone well, no amount of our stress can alleviate another’s stress and no amount of our discomfort can make anyone else feel peace.
What if we looked at these ideas taking care of us in a different light? Let’s look at each of these concepts:
Living Our Best Life: When we are living our best life we tend to do what feels right, in other words, we follow our gut. We challenge ourselves emotionally, physically, relationally and even in our careers. Brene Brown might call it “getting in the arena”. We live authentically encouraging others to do the same. Our emotional connections feel stronger because we face difficult feelings and are willing to have difficult discussions. We tend to follow our convictions and live our lives with purpose. When we live this type of life, we inspire others. Look at people like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi, and even Oprah. They are shining examples of living their best lives and inspiring others. I am sure you can think ok less famous people who inspire you. A woman that I had the pleasure of meeting briefly inspired me to take a risk in my career. Seeing her accomplish professional goals in her life encouraged me to try to accomplish some of my own.
Setting Boundaries: When we set boundaries, we teach people how to treat us. We all come from different backgrounds and family cultures. People operate from their own perspectives. Sometimes they operate from survival mode which can seem like they take advantage of others. It is helpful to have firm boundaries so both people can feel respected. As an example, Emily likes to spend her money then asks her mom for money to pay her rent. Mom feels obligated to pay the rent because if she doesn’t Emily will get kicked out of her apartment. When Mom rescues Emily, the message sent to Emily is that I will fix it for you because you can’t fix it yourself. Emily learns how to depend upon Mom rather than how to budget money. If Mom withdraws support, Mom may feel like a bad Mom and Emily may feel like Mom is mad at her. This is where boundaries come in. If Emily doesn’t pay her rent and is evicted from her apartment, she will learn that she needs to budget better. We learn better through experience. This may be tough for Mom to watch Emily struggle but the struggle will be relatively short lived. Emily will learn to spend more wisely. If the borrowing continued, the relationship could be strained for years to come.
Struggling Through Our Own Problems: No matter what your philosophy is about why we are on the planet, we all learn through our own experiences rather than other’s experiences. We need to have adversity in our lives to learn and appreciate the good. If we were to live life through others experiences it would be analogous to traveling by reading a map and a travel journal. Just like visiting foreign lands, we need to experience it ourselves. We will be forever changed having had the experience, we will just be more knowledgeable by reading a map. Others need to walk the walk themselves. We can be there cheering section encouraging them along the way but they need to walk the walk themselves.
Perhaps this altered perspective encourages you to live your best life and support others in the same endeavor. You are not being selfish by taking care of you. In fact, it is just the opposite.