It is so fun to reminisce when the memories are good. Each of us can think of some fun times with loved ones and friends. The memories bring a special warm feeling. Life can be so sweet. On the flip side are those painful memories. Remembering events and interactions with people that did not go so well or were downright cruel.
When you look back and feel pain, you can reframe the context so you feel better, empowered and more compassionate about the situation. This technique is especially helpful if your memories are from childhood. You are no longer that young child. Your older self can understand the context so much better.
This technique is so specific to each person and memory that it can be a little difficult to describe the process as a formula. It can also be hard to see the situation from a different perspective. You may want to talk with a person you trust to help you change your perspective.
To illustrate how this process can work, here is an example. A young woman grew up in a family of addiction. Like many families that struggle with addiction, children are often ignored, neglected and are left to fend for themselves. The stories people of these specific dysfunctional families often tell themselves is that they are not lovable, valuable or worthwhile. The new perspective can be that their parent(s) were doing what they could given that they were suffering from a disease. The lack of loving connection was in no part their (the child’s) fault. They were and are lovable, valuable and worthwhile. They did not cause the problems they faced and were not responsible to fix them. Just because love was not freely offered does not mean that they were not deserving of love. They deserved love yet their parents were just not able to provide it at the time. The parents couldn’t even love themselves. They survived under difficult circumstances which makes them strong, independent and resilient. A much more empowered perspective. It takes the person out of the victim role and into a place of compassion for not only themselves but also for the parent(s) struggling with addiction. The parent can also look at the same situation and, with some compassion, tell themselves that they wish they had done things differently. No one wants to have lived with addiction and yet it affects so many. Thinking of the situation from a compassionate lens allows the person who struggled with addiction, in the past, to forgive themselves for the hurt that was caused by the disease, make amends to the loved ones they may have hurt and to understand that they were struggling, too. This process can mend self-esteem and possibly familial connections.
This is just one example of how reframing our history can empower us. It is a beautiful technique to use to honor ourselves, our trials in life and the strength gained from them.
I need to figure out how to move on from fretting about when I was the one who (unintentionally) created a bad memory, for myself and/ or for someone else. Do you have an article on that?
Hi Cheryl,
I don’t have an article specifically about this topic however I would be happy to give you the “Cliff Notes” until I write one. Thank you for the topic idea!
First of all, forgive yourself. You are a human being who can’t be all things to all people.
Secondly, you specified that you did not hurt someone intentionally it tells me that either your intentions were misunderstood, misdirected or you may have been acting from a place of fear or shame. If you were misunderstood try to clarify your good intentions, or apologize for your misdirected intentions and make amends. If you were operating from a place of fear or shame then apologize, own your poor behavior and make amends. If apologizing or making amends causes more harm then consider writing your apology but not delivering it.
Third, learn from the situation. Pain can be a beautiful teacher. Many times we recognize what we don’t want but not until it gets painful do we make the effort to do things differently. If you had good intentions perhaps you may adjust the way you approach similar interactions in the future. If you had misdirected intentions, before you act again, question your intentions. If they are misdirected then you might choose to refrain from engaging. If you were in a place of fear or shame, perhaps you may want to address your needs first. It is kind of analogous to putting on your oxygen mask first in the airplane. For fear, understand what scares you and address that. If you were acting from a place of shame, I highly recommend Brene Brown’s work on shame. Every human can find themselves in a shame spiral on a regular basis. Many of us are not even sure it is happening. Brene Brown has a effective way of describing shame and teaching shame resilience tools.
I hope I understood your question enough to answer your question appropriately. If you would like to further clarify, please do. I appreciate the communication and feedback.