So many times we have experiences that we do not like. We tell ourselves and others stories about our bad events. “Can you believe my girl or boyfriend dumped me?”, “My boss is a real jerk”, “I got into a fight with my friend and s/he really hurt my feelings”, “My teenager never listens” and the list can go on. Sure these situations may not be what you would like yet the stories we tell ourselves about them can make all the difference in the world. We can take two different approaches; just the facts or tell a more optimistic story.
If I was just to state the facts the emotions do not tend to emerge. Instead of, “Can you believe my boyfriend dumped me?” I could say “I am no longer spending time with Sam”. If I leave it there, the fact is just that, I no longer spend time with Sam: end of story. That can work yet most of us are story tellers and want to talk about our lives in a way to make sense of and further understand our worlds.
The more optimistic story to “Can you believe my boyfriend dumped me?” is Sam and I are no longer spending time together. I appreciated the fun times we had and I am looking to more fun times with another person with whom I am more compatible. I learned some new relationship skills while dating Sam which can help me be a better partner next time. How about reframing this one , “My boss is a real jerk”. Reframed as, I am grateful to have a job. This job is not permanent for me or my boss, eventually one of us will change positions. I have the power to search for a job that is a better fit for me personally. I also have an opportunity to learn to set better boundaries with people and to learn how to not take things personally. People’s poor behavior is a reflection upon them not the people they mistreat. This one might be more difficult; “My teenager never listens”. More optimistically put,I am thankful to have my child in my life. She is growing up and becoming more independant. This is good because I want her to be able to take care of herself one day. When she doesn’t listen I know she is trying to figure things out on her own. Sometimes that means she will fail and her actions will have consequences. That is great because we all learn from experience.
Now you try. Is there something that has been troubling you that you would benefit from a reframe? Sometimes it is hard to reframe things on our own. You can asked a trusted friend to help you reframe a situation. Being emotionally detached from a situation can help one see it more optimistically.