When our loved ones are suffering we often are willing to do anything to help them feel better. We are even willing to suffer ourselves in an effort to help them find their way to peace and happiness. No amount of our suffering can change the suffering of others. If I worry and fret over situations I can not control, I just end up suffering myself. I don’t help my loved one feel any better. In the end, we are both upset. Where is the sense in that?
We often justify our feelings by thinking, “How can I be happy if they are suffering?”. No matter how down in the dumps you get, you will never be able to alleviate any other person’s mood. A more empowered approach to support may be counter intuitive. Think back on a time that you needed support yourself. The times we feel most supported are when another person listens empathetically and encourages us. Just being able to talk about our challenges without someone trying to fix it for us is so powerful. Then to have that person believe in us to make the change we need to make feels so good. We need people on our side, cheering us on. You will feel better, the other person will feel better.
For whom will you cheerlead for today? Will you root yourself on, too?
Wow, I absolutely love this thought. It is so helpful to me. You’re so right in identifying the true ways we can be helpful to a loved one – listening without trying to fix, being a sounding board as they process, remaining nonjudgmental and objective wherever possible/helpful, and encouraging and believing in whatever positive things/changes/ideas the speaker identifies.
I’m going to work on this with my son, who is now launching as an adult, and with my brothers. Though we (brothers and I) are adults, we grew up in an enmeshed family where everybody was responsible for everyone else’s emotions/reactions. I want to practice letting them live their lives, and feeling able to live my own life, without worrying about judgement either way. We love and support each other, and I would like to leave it at that, without trying to run each othersothers’ lives.
Thank you Kim for such great food for thought.